Cold | Ordinary Time
[SPOILER ALERT – Go watch Season 1 and 2 of The Bear. Then come back and read this one]
Have you heard about the benefits of a cold plunge? The physical and mental benefits have researchers diving into study about what good can come from plunging your body into an ice cold bath. The idea is that you submerge yourself into frigid water for 10-15 minutes, and the shock has positive effects. Some research shows that it can impact inflammation and offer positive impacts for people experiencing depression. Lots of good things in this increasingly common practice.
The warning for a cold plunge? Not for long. Never alone.
Which is how I knew the season finale of the FX show The Bear was going to explore what happens when you plunge right past the safe guidelines.
Like every episode, this show leaps over the edge of awkward and uncomfortable and draws you into family system disasters. The spicy banter mixed with trauma responses won’t let go until you are seated right at the table with these characters and cannot look away.
A Parable
Oh, these beautiful people who bring themselves to the work of building a restaurant. This is some redemption-lament-resurrection-creation stuff, y’all.
Carmy’s internal struggles. Yes, chef. Sydney’s truth-telling amidst her own anxiety and fear of failure. Marcus making room for artistry alongside grief and Tina’s vulnerability in showing up to learn a craft. Richie being an entire gospel parable laid out for us on the screen.
Good gracious, this show is a primer for all of us who build community. And, it’s the best show on television. Promise.
That season finale. We all knew he was going to end up inside the fridge. That had to happen. No chance he could sort out his demons enough to follow through and call the fridge guy. So we were waiting on the cold.
This cold hits different. The cold he experiences offers a compelling picture for us. Inside the walk-in refrigerator, probably around 40 degrees, Carmy’s journey jolts his internal struggles.
You should not do cold alone. The shock and physical response needs support nearby.
Carmy’s isolation in the cold embodies all of the fear, ambiguous grief, and anxiety built up in this family. They hustle around him, desperate to make something new out of something broken. While Carmy is stuck. First, his ruminations swirl as his body responds to the cold. Then, the torn labels, careless rather than neat, seem to signal a turn in his thinking. Carmy experiences intrusive thoughts, and a downward spiral spins.
I pray that a skilled therapist can help him untangle how those thoughts wove together some frightening interactions with his friends.
I want to explore the people who meet him at the cold. Though he is locked inside, several friends stay with him, just outside the door. Like a nod to Job 2:11, the friends visit him in his suffering. These friends listen, respond, and speak truth to him.
Tina, the line cook turned chef, offers a comforting voice. When he confesses his part in this mistake, she offers compassion and grace. Her voice is steady and soothing.
Carmy’s intrusive thoughts intensify by the discomfort of the cold. He processes feelings of fear and doubt out loud; his girlfriend hears thoughts that would be better left silent. Her presence at the door signals the pain that someone experiencing trauma can inflict on loved ones nearby.
Richie meets Carmy at the door and holds out truth. He names the pain Carmy caused. He names mistakes he has made, and the patterns Carmy is following. He even names generational trauma when he calls Carmy by his abusive mother’s name. Truth can hurt. Then, Richie leans in to truth. In the yelling match that ensues, Richie keeps saying “I love you.” He states it, then screams it. He won’t stop saying what is true.
Every Second Counts
This frigid crisis happens in the center of a bustling, hectic opening night of the restaurant. Needs arise, chefs falter, systems are tested.
Every second counts, we’re told. I believe that.
All of the seconds ticking towards purpose and passion in this restaurant are both important and connected to the other people present. Tucked away in an interior, locked space we see a portrait of inner work.
These scenes gift us with an image for community: every second counts here, too. The experience of a leader who failed and is failing is as meaningful to this life of this place as the menu, the customers, and the dishes.
Carmy’s pain matters; the friends’ presence matters. How can we show up for people who find themselves in a place of crisis? How can we pay attention to what is happening in an interior space, while busyness swirls around?
Ordinary Time | Cold
+ Notice. Carmy was not supposed to be locked in the fridge. It took some noticing to recognize that he was inside and stuck. What happens when you pause and notice the people in your circles who may be struggling?
+ Recognize intrusive thoughts. These are thoughts that are “unusual, harmful, not in keeping with what you know is true.” Some solid advice to face them: “When we recognize these thoughts, “Think to yourself, ‘that’s just an intrusive thought; it’s not how I think, it’s not what I believe, and it’s not what I want to do.”
+ Be ready with the big tools. Eventually, someone had to reach into the cold. The walls of the fridge had to be cut open by the saw. Sometimes, it takes an expert to saw open, stop the damage, and work towards repairs. Make that call. Step in and disrupt the space for someone who is isolated and spiraling.
+ Show up with the redemption you have experienced. Richie, a tormented, flawed character, is the one who holds out truth for Carmy. He names the missteps. He names truth. He is not gentle or graceful, but he has experienced redemption. He gets to bear witness to what love has done once, and what he hopes love can do for Carmy.
#ordinarytimepractices #traumainformedpractices #traumainformedfamilies #traumainformedchurches #ambiguousgrief
